Dear Me: A Letter to Myself a Year Ago

“If I had known what was coming, I am not at all sure that I would have had enough faith at that point to make the choice to stay the course.” – Nik Ripken, Insanity of God

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Dear me, 

You’re going to make it to the end. It’s going to be incredibly difficult some days, but you’re going to make it to the end. 

There will be days you love where you are, and there will be days you hate it. Don’t beat yourself up when it feels like the latter outweigh the former. 

You are going to be deeply hurt this year, and you’re also going to hurt other people. It’s what happens when you live closely with sin-stained people, and when you are still yourself a sin-stained person.

Conversations aimed toward reconciliation will happen, but you can only do what you can do. Do not take on more responsibility, or blame, or pain than is actually yours to hold. 

You are going to be hurt by people who said they loved you, and you’re going to be hurt by people who promised you nothing. You’re going to cry, more than once. You’re going to miss home, all the time. You’re going to miss family and friends and even the most mundane parts of life back before this crazy year. 

And despite all the hurt and heartache, it’s  also going to be filled with incredible beauty and friendship and joy. You are going to make the sweetest memories in January. You are going to say goodbye to the most incredible friendships in February. You are going to soak in the sound of waves crashing on the shore in March. You are going to have the most memorable birthday in April. You are going to begin a most beautiful friendship in May. You are going to meet an incredible angel in June. You are going to stand firm in July. You are going to love people like family in August. You are going to have the most joyful day in September. You are going to live in the most peaceful place in October. You are going to be understood in November. 

You don’t even realize you’re doing it right now, but stop trying so hard to be liked by people. Just be yourself and pursue Jesus.

Learn to rest and learn to play. Work hard, be humble, and don’t take yourself too seriously. 

Your tent is gonna flood for 3 days straight in Honduras, and you’re gonna cry and then you’re gonna make it through. Don’t do your laundry the last night of El Salvador (the power is going to go out and you’ll have to carry wet clothes across two borders). Share a room with Madison in Nicaragua, it’s gonna be a month of sleepovers and middle of the night prayer. Costa Rica is going to change your dang life–go hard, it’s so worth it (and try to stay up until the end of the prayer vigil). The DR is going to feel so lonely, and when given the opportunity to talk–take it. Dig into the Lord in Panama, it’s the only way you’ll make it through. Peru is going to be the most refreshing time (and your Spanish is going to grow exponentially). You’ll get to Africa with high hopes, and experience high highs and low lows the entire month in Eswatini. Lesotho will be beautiful and challenging and simple, find the popcorn man ASAP and be his friend. And South Africa will be the best last month, let yourself be loved and cared for even when it feels uncomfortable (and get to know the Global team sooner… they’re cooler than you think).  

It’s going to be the most up and down, all around, stressful, fun, crazy, stretching, refining, purifying, heart wrenching, hope giving year you’ve ever had. Embrace it. It’ll be good, even though it’s hard. 

Stay the course, again and again. 

love, 

me